This Is Physically The Most Unhealthy Emotion (M)

The emotion is linked to increased inflammation, which is associated with many chronic health conditions.

The emotion is linked to increased inflammation, which is associated with many chronic health conditions.

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Author: Jeremy Dean

Psychologist, Jeremy Dean, PhD is the founder and author of PsyBlog. He holds a doctorate in psychology from University College London and two other advanced degrees in psychology. He has been writing about scientific research on PsyBlog since 2004. He is also the author of the book “Making Habits, Breaking Habits” (Da Capo, 2013) and several ebooks. View all posts by Jeremy Dean

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How to Lead One-On-Ones that Change Lives

How to Lead One-On-Ones that Change Lives

Conversations change lives.

Oprah Winfrey’s life changed because of conversations with Maya Angelou.

Maya told Oprah, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. She said, ‘Babe, your problem is you have to be shown 29 times.’” CNBC

Lead one-on-ones successfully by listening more and talking less. Image of a stethoscope.

How to lead one-on-ones that change lives:

#1. Listen:

Listen more than you talk.

Average conversations dance in equal parts between listening and speaking.

Charlie Rose interviews people for a living. I timed Charlie for 15 minutes during a conversation he had with Jeff Bezos. After introducing the program, Charlie spoke approximately 132 seconds. That means Jeff spoke about 85% of the time.

Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you. Image of three giraffes.

One-on-ones aren’t interviews. They aren’t average conversations either. In my experience a 70/30 ratio makes sense. 70% listening. 30% talking. (The nature of the conversation impacts the ratio of listening to speaking.)

#2. Mentor, coach, and advise:

The difference between mentoring and coaching is approach. Mentors show the path forward based on their experience. Coaches enable others to explore their own path forward. Advisers say, “I think you should…” There’s a place for all three when you lead one-on-ones.

#3. Ask questions:

Great questions begin with darkness and end with light.

Your first response to a powerful question might be, “I don’t know.” Exploration transforms darkness to light.

2 questions when someone feels stuck:

  1. Imagine you are wildly successful 30 days from now. What is true for you?
  2. Based on your 30-day vision, what can you do today to move forward?

Alternatives:

  • What did you do to bring yourself to this point? (Focus on “do”.)
  • What did you leave undone that contributed to this issue?
  • Where do you want to be 30 days from now?
  • What do you want to do today to move forward?

What skills enable leaders to lead one-on-ones?

How might leaders talk less and listen more when they lead one-on-ones?

Still curious:

One-On-Ones: 7 Powerful Phrases to Use

7 Ways to Prepare for One-On-Ones Like a Pro

A Simple Reusable One-On-One Plan

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3 Ways Depressed People Can Access Happy Memories (M)

Autobiographical memory, crucial for self-concept and emotion regulation, is often impaired in depression.

Autobiographical memory, crucial for self-concept and emotion regulation, is often impaired in depression.

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Author: Jeremy Dean

Psychologist, Jeremy Dean, PhD is the founder and author of PsyBlog. He holds a doctorate in psychology from University College London and two other advanced degrees in psychology. He has been writing about scientific research on PsyBlog since 2004. He is also the author of the book “Making Habits, Breaking Habits” (Da Capo, 2013) and several ebooks. View all posts by Jeremy Dean

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3 Ways to Become a Leader People Love to Follow

3 Ways to Become a Leader People Love to Follow

A friend told me he wanted to get married. I asked, “What makes you the kind of person someone would want to marry?”

There’s nothing noble about wanting. Nobility is becoming worthy.

People don’t quit bad companies, they quit bad bosses. 94% of employees plan to stay at a company when they have a boss they love to follow. WSJ

The simplest nonjudgemental definition of a leader is someone with followers. What makes you the kind of person people love to follow?

What makes you the kind of person people love to follow? Image of elephants walking.

3 ways to become a leader people love to follow:

#1. Enjoyment.

I like being around people who enjoy stuff. Are you a curmudgeon or do you show joy?

Brene Brown teaches that joy requires courage. Most of us experience ‘foreboding joy’. When you feel joy, you start looking for something bad to happen. We don’t let ourselves feel joy because we’re afraid of losing it.

Let yourself be joyful. Grumpy is easy. Joy is magnetic.

#2. Excellence.

The leader people love to follow pursues excellence. Mediocrity doesn’t inspire. Average is normal.

Worry about your own excellence first.

Forget about inspiring excellence in others when you tolerate mediocrity in yourself.

4 ways to pursue excellence:

  1. Fall in love with something.
  2. Learn every day.
  3. Share your personal goals. Transparency is attractive.
  4. Get a few remarkable friends.

#3. Self-awareness.

Notice your impact on others.

  1. Are people glad to see you?
  2. Is there any laughter in your conversations?
  3. When you look across the table is anyone smiling back at you?
  4. What’s the energy level of people after spending time with you?

Don’t simply want it. Earn it.

How can someone become a leader people love to follow? What can you add to the above list?

Still curious:

10 Ways To Be a Leader People Choose to Follow

Leaders Love the Most

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2 Ways to Take Back the Power in Your Business: Part 1

As I considered the topic that would best serve entrepreneurs, business owners, and marketers alike — all of whom I am — I mused over what I needed most throughout the last year. 

I needed to take back control of my business. 

And I am charging you to do the same. 

While I have provided two strategic ways to do so, the first outlined below and the second outlined in this blog post, it is critical that we first identify the root issue. 

Why are you and I not operating in the driver’s seat of our marketing and/or businesses? 

Three fundamental core challenges come in the form of 3 Cs: Competition, Colleagues, and Customers.

Who Are You Listening To?

1. Competition

We know the feeling all too well.

We feel a pit in our stomach or a slight racing of the heart when our competitors’ ads or organic content seem to be taking over social media and the internet: Google Ads, YouTube, TikTok, newsletters, LinkedIn, programmatic…

And don’t forget traditional advertising.

Especially if you are in the home services or specialty services spaces where direct mail is 100% where you need to be, but don’t forget the QR code and UTMs and unique landing pages and geotargeted ads and email nurturing sequence for a holistic approach. 

Our competition’s budget appears never-ending, and their marketing team must be fantastic. 

Is theirs the strategy we should adopt, deviating from our carefully charted course agreed upon at the outset of the year?

2. Colleagues

Or perhaps it’s that of the peers in our Masterminds or networking groups or online communities. 

After all, within these groups resides a wealth of knowledge and expertise, tried-and-true insights, and wins. I am guilty as charged — my talk at T&C 2024 was chock-full of recommendations guiding marketers on their path to generating over 800% ROAS…
Should our marketing strategy or business’s bottom line deviate then?

3. Customers

Oh! But the power of our customers…when their phone call just after 5:00 PM because they saw their competitor’s ad and want to change course. 

Or when our customers’ higher-ups ask why you didn’t generate enough leads last month and how the bottom line is threatened if we don’t do something fast.

And how they joke about your job being on the line if numbers don’t change.

Do any of these resonate? 

If you are a human with a soul that cares about your business, team, and customers, I anticipate your hand is raised alongside mine. 

Friends, it is time we unbuckle the seatbelt of the 3 Cs and graciously escort them out. 

It’s time for you to regain control.

How to Regain Control of Your Business: Knowing What You Want

I cannot tell you how many times my question, “What do you want?” is met with blank stares. 

Such a simple question with such significant ramifications. 

To assume control, we must know what we want for the…

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3 Ways Worrying Is Surprisingly Good For You (M)

The right amount of worrying can be beneficial to mind and body.

The right amount of worrying can be beneficial to mind and body.

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Author: Jeremy Dean

Psychologist, Jeremy Dean, PhD is the founder and author of PsyBlog. He holds a doctorate in psychology from University College London and two other advanced degrees in psychology. He has been writing about scientific research on PsyBlog since 2004. He is also the author of the book “Making Habits, Breaking Habits” (Da Capo, 2013) and several ebooks. View all posts by Jeremy Dean

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Please People and Overcome People-Pleasing

Please People and Overcome People-Pleasing

Sincerity makes promises it can’t keep when people-pleasing clouds judgement. But pleasing people is a good thing. All success requires bringing happiness to others.

Pleasing people:

  1. Bring value but don’t violate your values.
  2. Care about the success of higher ups and lower downs.
  3. Speak with honesty and kindness. Avoid using anger as courage to speak hard truths.
  4. Be your aspirational self.
  5. Get rest. Fatigue dilutes your best and pollutes your thoughts.
  6. Make realistic commitments. Practice humility that doesn’t overestimate its abilities.
  7. Learn to slow down. A person in a rush doesn’t have time for good manners.

Leadership is all about people. The more you have to do the more you need to care for people. You’re unworthy of leadership when your mantra is, “I don’t care what people think or how they feel.” But people-pleasing is deadly.

“I can’t give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.” Herbert Bayard Swope, first recipient of the Pulitzer Prize

People-pleasing causes:

  1. Overcommitment.
  2. Fatigue.
  3. Disappointment with yourself.
  4. Resentment toward others.

Suggestions for people-pleasers:

#1. Overestimate time needed to complete tasks.

Optimism is deadly when you minimize difficulty. There’s a difference between “we can” and “it’s easy.”

#2. Set boundaries before you need them.

Suppose you want to be home for dinner every night. Share your commitment before everyone’s pressed to meet a deadline. Explain that you’ll come in early, but you’re leaving in time for dinner at home.

Say no gracefully.

#3. Be assertive, not aggressive.

Never sacrifice respectful behavior on the altar of assertiveness. Express yourself and listen to others. Aggressive people don’t listen and don’t care.

Know what’s important to you so you are clear on where you need to set boundaries. But avoid constantly thinking of yourself as more important than others.

How might leaders distinguish between destructive people-pleasing and pleasing people?

Still curious:

5 Ways to Become a Healthy People-Pleaser

Why It Doesn’t Pay to Be a People-Pleaser (Berkeley)

21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser (PsychCentral)

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Why Our Selfies Don’t Look How We Expect (M)

Not happy with your selfie? There’s a psychological reason for that…

Not happy with your selfie? There’s a psychological reason for that…

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Author: Jeremy Dean

Psychologist, Jeremy Dean, PhD is the founder and author of PsyBlog. He holds a doctorate in psychology from University College London and two other advanced degrees in psychology. He has been writing about scientific research on PsyBlog since 2004. He is also the author of the book “Making Habits, Breaking Habits” (Da Capo, 2013) and several ebooks. View all posts by Jeremy Dean

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72% Of People Regret THIS More Than Anything Else In Their Lives (M)

Research reveals people’s biggest regrets in life.

Research reveals people’s biggest regrets in life.

People are filled with the most regret about not fulfilling their long-held dreams and goals, research find.

In comparison, people do not regret failing to fulfil their duties and obligations as much.

In the study, 72 percent of people reported experiencing regrets about not fulfilling their dreams, in comparison to only 28 percent regretting not fulfilling obligations.

Similarly, when asked about their biggest regret in life, 76 percent mentioned something that was related to achieving their ideal self.

One of the explanations could be that it is hard to live up to your dreams.

Doing something about your obligations is usually easier as the action is obvious.

Working harder to earn more, attending a funeral or donating blood are all uncomfortable, but the path is clear.

With dreams and aspirations, it can be difficult to know where to start.

It can also be difficult to find the courage.

Professor Tom Gilovich, the study’s author, has this advice:

“As the Nike slogan says: ‘Just do it’.

Don’t wait around for inspiration, just plunge in.

Waiting around for inspiration is an excuse.

Inspiration arises from engaging in the activity.”

Often what stops people following their dreams is worrying what others will think of them

Again, Professor Gilovich says other people care less than you think:

“People are more charitable than we think and also don’t notice us nearly as much as we think.

If that’s what holding you back — the fear of what other people will think and notice — then think a little more about just doing it.”

The study was published in the journal Emotion (Davidai & Gilovich, 2018).

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Hello, and welcome to PsyBlog. Thanks for dropping by.

This site is all about scientific research into how the mind works.

It’s mostly written by psychologist and author, Dr Jeremy Dean.

I try to dig up fascinating studies that tell us something about what it means to be human.

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Author: Jeremy Dean

Psychologist, Jeremy Dean, PhD is the founder and author of PsyBlog. He holds a doctorate in psychology from University College London and two other advanced degrees in psychology. He has been writing about scientific research on PsyBlog since 2004. He is also the author of the book “Making Habits, Breaking Habits” (Da Capo, 2013) and several ebooks. View all posts by Jeremy Dean

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Don’t Overthink Care – Leadership Freak

Don’t Overthink Care

Bob’s mom died recently. It was February 23. We talked Tuesday, March 19. I wanted to ask how he was doing, but I didn’t want to bring up a sensitive topic. I mention this because it came up at the end of our conversation unexpectedly.

You can't lead if you do not care about people. Image of a herd of elephants walking away.

Overthinking care:

Bob and I were talking about my ritual before coaching conversations. I told him I take a few minutes to get right with myself by breathing deeply, reflecting on things I respect about the person I’m meeting with, and considering how I want to show up. During that time a question often comes to mind. That’s when dealing with death came to mind.

Bob asked, “What did you think about me before our call?” He surprised me. No one has ever asked that before.

Bob’s my coach, Bob Hancox. We meet every two or three weeks on average. We’ve been doing it for years. Sometimes he coaches me. Other times I coach him and sometimes we just talk.

I told Bob I reflected on his generosity, and I wanted to ask how he was feeling about his mom’s death. (I hadn’t asked.)

Bob asked, “Why didn’t you ask?”

I didn’t ask about his mom because I didn’t want to bring up something that might make him sad. Bob didn’t say it this directly, but the message was, “That’s dumb.” Here’s the lesson.

Express your care. Ask how people feel. Don’t overthink it. Inquire gently. Don’t judge. Let the other person decide how far it goes.

It’s unfortunate when we talk ourselves out of expressing care. Unexpressed care feels uncaring.

What prevents leaders from expressing care?

What down-sides of expressing care come to mind for you?

Still curious:

How to Build an Organization Where People Take Care of Each Other

Leaders Love the Most

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