Leadership Archives - Page 22 of 89

7 Responses that Defeat Defensiveness

People don’t make you feel defensive. Defensiveness is your response.

Defensiveness is feeling attacked when others are trying to help.

Defensive language:

My natural response to criticism or corrective feedback is self-protection. After all, only sick people intentionally do stupid things.

My reasons are the right ones.

Noticing precedes improvement. Learn to notice defensive language in yourself and others.

Defensive people feel:

Unfairly attacked.
Unjustly Criticized.
Underappreciated.
Misunderstood.

Defensiveness is:

Denial: Refusing to accept responsibility. “It’s not my fault.”
Blame-shifting: Redirecting criticism onto others. “They made me do it.”
Rationalization: Providing justifications or explanations. “You don’t understand.”
Attacking: Hostility that diverts attention to others. “It’s other people’s fault.”
Minimization: Downplaying the impact of your actions. “It’s not a big deal.”
Justification: Presenting self-affirming evidence. “If you knew the pressure I’m under.”
Shutting down: Withdrawing to avoid further confrontation. “I can’t deal with this right now.”

Roots of defensiveness:

People pleasing drives defensiveness. I’d brag about not getting defensive, but I worry what you’ll think.

Tying identity to performance makes criticism personal. I feel good about myself when the boss thinks I did good. It feels personal when someone suggests I didn’t do good.

The need to be right motivates self-justification. Confirmation bias is my favorite.

7 responses that defeat defensiveness:

Develop a hip-pocket response. When you start feeling attacked or criticized pull out a preplanned reply. Planned responses lower stress and portray confidence. Kneejerk reactions add heat to interactions.

Openness. “This surprises me. Tell me more.”
Curiosity. “What brought this to mind for you?”
Development. “What suggestions do you have for me?”
Gratitude. “Thanks for bringing this up. It’s important to me too.”
Pause and breathe.
Provide time for yourself. “Thanks for bringing this up. Let’s explore this after my next meeting.”
Humility. Tell yourself they could be right.

What causes us to attack or explain when criticized?

What are some healthy responses to natural feelings of self-protection?

Still curious:

How to Defeat the Subtleties of Defensiveness

What Is Defensiveness?

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7 Quick Techniques that Make Meetings Better Today

The opportunity of meetings is they can energize instead of drain.

Make meetings better today:

1. Start on time. Don’t dawdle. End early.

A person who wastes time disrespects life.

Brisk meetings energize teams especially when they end early.

2. Declare purpose.

Please tell me why we’re meeting.

3. Serve up the meat.

Avoid wrong-headed thinking like, “Let’s get a few dainty items off the table before we get to the real reason we’re here.”

Minimize distractions. Connection time isn’t a distraction.

4. Go beyond discussing.

The goal of meetings is deciding, not discussing. Discussion is a means, not an end.

Great meetings enable action. Generate three options to resolve an issue and choose the best one with a vote, for example. Define obstacles and choose a path forward.

Cancel the meetings where talk is the goal.

5. Make topics action items.

“Agenda topics” are blackholes that drain brains and invite irrelevant blather. Narrow the focus of conversation by declaring a specific outcome or action item.

Tip: Listen carefully when people talk. If they move the topic sideways, interrupt them. Restate the purpose of the conversation and ask them to explain the connection. (It’s always possible you’re missing something.)

Many things are interesting. Only a few are useful.

6. Inform less. Act more.

Informational meetings are drudgery. You suck the life out of people by forcing them to listen to irrelevant drivel. Inform when information is relevant to everyone in the room.

Honor and fuel energy. The cardinal sin of leadership is draining people’s energy.

7. Seek Feedback.

Ask the team, “What’s one thing that would make this meeting better?” Or “What’s one thing you/I could do to make this meeting better?”

Vote on which suggestion to adopt in your next meeting.

Which of the above suggestions do you think would most improve your meetings?

What suggestion can you offer that would make meetings better today?

More practical techniques:

10 Commandments that Fix All Lousy Meetings

4 Tools to Keep Meetings On Track

Why Your Meetings Stink—and What to Do About It

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3 Principles to Upgrade Your Leadership with Compassionate Accountability

Book Giveaway!!

20 copies available!!

Leave a comment on this guest post by Nate Regier, PhD to become eligible for one of 20 complimentary copies of his new book, Compassionate Accountability: How Leaders Build Connection and Get Results.

Deadline for eligibility is 07/18/2023. International winners will receive electronic version.

For 15 years I’ve coached leaders who struggle with a dilemma that pulls them in opposite directions, especially when the chips are down.

Nurture relationships or get results?

Here’s the problem. Compassion without accountability gets you nowhere. But accountability without compassion gets you alienated.

Leaders who practice Compassion without Accountability:

Believe empathy and support are enough.
Avoid difficult conversations.
Compromise their own boundaries.
Don’t execute proper consequences.
Live by mottos like “Be nice,” “Don’t hurt other people’s feelings,” and “Don’t raise your voice.”
Get consensus but not commitment.
Have a team with poor follow-through.
Experience problems that never get solved.
Are liked but not respected.

Leaders who practice Accountability without Compassion:

Believe rules and consequences are enough.
Use threats and passive-aggressive tactics.
Have all the answers.
Live by mottos like “Failure is not an option,” “Don’t show weakness,” or “Do it because I said so.”
Get compliance, but not loyalty.
Have low-trust teams who compete against each other.
Are feared but not respected.

Leaders no longer get to choose between compassion and accountability. This generation wants both in full measure.

Compassionate accountability:

Evolve your leadership by treating people as valuable, capable, and responsible. That’s Compassionate Accountability®.

People are Valuable. Everyone deserves to be heard, affirmed, safely invited, and included.

Tip: Get vulnerable. Get real, and let people know how you are doing. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.

People are Capable. Everyone deserves the invitation to contribute, participate, take ownership, and be part of the solution.

Tip: Talk less, listen more. Get curious.

People are Responsible. Everyone is responsible for their thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Tip: Stop over-thinking, -feeling, and -doing for others. You are 100% responsible for what you do next. No more, no less.

How would you lead differently if you treated yourself and others as valuable, capable, and responsible in every interaction?

Learn more here and order your copy of Compassionate Accountability.

________________________________________________

Tweetable Sentences

Leaders no longer get to choose between compassion and accountability.

Compassion without accountability gets you nowhere. But accountability without compassion gets you alienated.

Compassionate Accountability means treating people as valuable, capable, and responsible.

Nate’s Bio

Nate Regier, PhD is a founding owner and CEO of

12 Ways to Make Today a Great Day

Begin the day by choosing to make it a great day. Don’t expect others to make your day great.

12 ways to make today a great day:

1. Pause, breathe, and focus.

Before you rush to the next thing take a moment to think about what you’re doing. Determine why it matters.

2. Eat healthy snacks.

3. Turn off notifications.

Help yourself focus. Find a short window of time and eliminate distractions.

4. Keep a done-list.

Record the stuff you got done the last hour. If you don’t have enough time to keep a done-list, arrange tomorrow’s schedule so you can.

Alternative: Make a to-do list for the morning. Put a checkmark beside the items you complete.

5. Choose one thing.

Write down one thing you want to complete before the day is done (beyond day-to-day responsibilities).

6. Go home on time.

If you had a funeral to attend, you’d quit on time. The world won’t stop if you leave work on time. If you can’t leave work on time today, figure out how to leave work on time tomorrow.

7. Begin interactions with compliments.

Set a tone. Don’t save kind words till the end.

8. Finish something in 30 minutes.

Set a timer and work like crazy to get something done in a short time. Let go of perfection. Just finish it.

9. Drink more water.

You know you should. Just do it today. Every time you let some water go, drink some more.

10. Plan something fun tonight.

Anticipation elevates happiness.

11. Put stuff away after using it.

Clutter is distracting. Put stuff in its place. Throw stuff in the trash.

12. Plan a mid-morning break.

Dedicate 10 minutes to something that rejuvenates you. Stretch. Phone a friend. Turn off the lights and breathe. Repeat in the afternoon.

How might you adapt the above great day list?

What suggestions do you have for making today a great day?

Still curious:

Distraction: Defeating the Beast that Contaminates Leadership and Dilutes Effectiveness

10 Ways to Start Your Day Like a Leader

How to Develop the Habit of Finishing Stuff

Great day image from: Pxfuel

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Half-Done Compassion – Leadership Freak

Half-Done Compassion

I often read poetry at night. I think I feel things better when the day is done.

Robert Frost:

The Road Not Taken and Other Poems: (Penguin Classics Deluxe Edition), Robert Frost.

This collection has many poems I enjoy over and over like a child on a teeter totter. I think it’s because I’m delighted with anyone who writes feelings with words.

From Mending Wall:

He only says, “Good fences make good neighbors.”
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
“Why do they make good neighbors?”

Comment: The quote, “Good fences make good neighbors,” is usually misinterpreted. Frost saw no useful purpose for the fence between his neighbor and himself. The poem reflects frustration that he tried and failed to get through to his closed-minded neighbor.

Application: Barriers limit influence and require authoritarian leadership.

Practice: Show interest in people today. Realize relationships enable results.

From The Exposed Nest:

This poem describes a child finding an exposed bird’s nest on the ground after a field of hay was mown. A child and an adult prop some hay around the nest to create shade for the babies. Here’s the ending.

You had begun, and gave them back their shade.
All this to prove we cared. Why is there then
No more to tell? We turned to other things.
I haven’t any memory – have you? –
Of ever coming to the place again
To see if the birds lived the first night through.
And so at last to learn to use their wings.

Comment: “We turned to other things.” I’m challenged to rise above half-done compassion.

Practice: It’s one thing to show compassion in the moment. The real challenge is to follow-up a few days later by asking, “How did that turn out?”

How has receiving compassion changed you?

How might you express whole-hearted compassion today?

Still curious:

How to Show Compassion and Get Results

Bullies aren’t Strong and Compassion isn’t Weak

Better Culture Starts With Compassionate Leadership

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How to Bridge the Unseen Gap between Perception and Intent

Perception determines response. You respond to frowns differently than smiles, unless the smile seems disingenuous.

The way you’re perceived governs how people respond to you. This wouldn’t matter if leadership was done in isolation.

Self-perception often collides with the perception of others. You imagine yourself warm and fuzzy. You occur to others as stressed and manipulative.

Collisions of impact with intent:

My wife used to tell me I sounded harsh. My response, “I don’t have animosity in my heart.” Both of us were right.

The gap between impact and intent causes poor performance, personal frustration, self-pity, and discouragement. You feel frustrated others don’t ‘get’ you, or you feel sorry for yourself because you’re underappreciated.

Successful leaders work to align the impact of behaviors with intentions in the heart.

Perception:

I argued with my wife when she told me I was harsh. Now I see arguing about being harsh supported her observation that I seemed harsh.

The real you is less obvious than you think.

Tip: Those who argue with feedback like I did struggle to see themselves through the lens of others.

Principles:

You must see yourself as you occur to others to effectively develop your leadership.
Authenticity includes aligning behavior with heart.
Lousy leaders ignore the perceptions of others.
Feedback enables you to align impact with intention.

Seek feedback:

Invite a trusted colleague into your private reflections. Let them hear what you say about yourself to yourself. Explore how self-perceptions are disconnected from the way you occur to others.

7 things to say to seek feedback on other’s perceptions:

I’m proud of myself when I ______.
I’m disappointed in myself when I ______.
I’m really good at ______.
I’m most helpful to others when I ______.
I believe others think I’m ______.
I want to be known as ______.
Others believe I’m really good at ______.

In what ways have you seen the disconnection between intent and impact?

How might leaders better understand how they occur to others?

Still curious:

5 Ways to Spot Common Blind Spots

Positive Illusions: 7 Ways to Defeat The Lake Wobegon Effect

Seeing Yourself as Others See You (hbr.org)

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How to Face Resistance to Your Great Ideas

When you face resistance:

#1. Relax.

Stress closes your mind.

#2. Don’t provide quick answers.

Explore their perspective. Seek input.

The worst thing you can do is answer resistance early in a conversation.

Quick answers create adversarial relationships.
Answers invite more objections when given to people who aren’t committed to move forward.
Answers frustrate people who struggle to find a path forward.

#3. Answer hot emotion before solving difficult problems.

Frustrated people cling to the status quo. Stress makes us stupid.

#4. Open up – don’t dig in.

When you feel resistance, get curious. Defensiveness defeats you. Ask curious questions with an open heart.

“Thanks for saying that. What brings this to mind for you?”
“What’s important to you about that?”
“What do you think we’re trying to accomplish by having this conversation?”
“I’m curious. Why are you asking?”
“Your thoughts are important to me. What’s your viewpoint on…?”
“I hear what you’re saying. What results are you working to achieve?”
“Thanks for your input. What else comes to mind?”
“It sounds like you have a viewpoint on this. What led you to your conclusions?”
“Let’s imagine we adopt your suggestion. What needs to be true for your suggestion to work?”
“What might make this idea more workable? Less workable?”
“What’s one argument in favor of this idea? What’s one argument against?”
“What alternatives might help us move forward, other than continuing to endure a dissatisfying situation?”

Soft landings:

Create a soft-landing strip for hard questions. The sentence before your question is a landing strip.

Explain an intention. “The reason I’m asking is….”
Practice gratitude. “Thanks for bringing this to my attention.”
Summarize. “Here’s what I think you said. Do you think I get it? If not, what am I missing?”
Notice the obvious. “It seems like you feel strongly about this.”

What are some reasons people resist new ideas?

How might leaders overcome resistance to new ideas?

Still curious:

How to Move from Stupid to Smart when You’re Stressed

Unraveling Resistance to Change

Why People Resist Change

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Get a Grip on the Power of Identity

When the grandchildren were little, I turned all the lights off and said, “Let’s play hide and seek with flash lights.” I’m the grandfather who rubbed growing powder on kids and they instantly grew about half an inch (.2 cm). I chose to be the whacky poppi.

Identity drives behavior:

We allow powerful people to interrupt and talk down to us. We expect authorities to provide answers and give directions.

When authoritative leaders ask questions, team members feel uncomfortable. They think, “You know what you want, just tell us.” They don’t want to give answers to the person who is designated as the answer person.

Self-perception drives self-expression:

The way you identify your role defines success. Parents feel responsible to provide. When your role is protector you become a control freak. When you identify as a leader who develops others you coach more and give direction less.

Choose your Identity:

I chose my poppi identity. We choose our leadership identity. You might choose to be an encouraging leader. That choice influences the nature of your interactions. You set yourself on a path when you choose to be a results-driven leader. You have a mental image of a leader who gets results and you conform your behaviors to that image.

Align the identity you choose with your personality, talents, abilities, and knowledge. Most importantly, align your identity with your vision of your best self.

Authentic leadership begins when identity drives behavior. Who you perceive yourself to be finds expression in what you do.

When you ask yourself, “What kind of leader do you aspire to become?” you’re asking a deeper question. “Who do you aspire to become?” Don’t simply be yourself. Become your best self.

What blocks people from becoming their best self?

How to we become authentic?

Still curious:

Self-Perception Determines How You Lead

4 Tools for Self-Reflection Every Leader Needs

What Is Authentic Leadership?

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5 Steps to Give Autonomy without Blowing Everything Up

One goal of managing is to supervise less. Managers work too hard because they supervise too much. Giving autonomy to supervisors scares the crap out of incompetent managers.

Bureaucrats block autonomy with regulations. Control requires management and supervision. The bigger the employee handbook, the more you need to supervise.

Give competent people autonomy. Control blocks autonomy.

How to give autonomy:

#1. Equip.

Hire for attitude, aptitude, and talent. Train for skills.

We learn a lot in a two-day training, but we develop when we put learnings into action.

Action equips people.

#2. Step back intentionally.

Begin by walking beside people. Mentor, coach, and train.

People learn to supervise themselves when you pull back.

People grow best when you’re not in the room.

Discuss the goal of less supervision with your team.
Develop a plan to manage less with your supervisors. Plan with not for. Loosen your grip when you expect people to take the reins.
Establish a rhythm of meeting to monitor performance before you release people.
Model the habit of continual growth.

#3. Endure the dip.

Things get worse before people get traction. How you respond to failure determines success or defeat.

Explain the dip.
Clarify the goal.
Ask them to come up with a specific plan to resolve issues.
Expect them to monitor themselves and self-correct.
Stay available to help.
Step in reluctantly.
Schedule updates.

Tip: Behaviors resolve issues. What specifically will you do differently?

Autonomy is earned.

#4. Release competent people to learn from mistakes.

People learn most when they make decisions that don’t work.

Let people fail and learn. You weaken people when you habitually save the day.

#5. Prevent catastrophe.

Don’t let anyone throw gas on a burning fire.

What needs to be in place for people to have more autonomy at work?

How can managers learn to supervise less?

Still curious:

4 Powers of Surrender for Leaders

Forget Flexibility. Your Employees Want Autonomy. (hbr.org)

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7 Things to Do Right Now to be a Better Leader

Becoming a great leader takes time, but there are things you can do today—right now—to improve your leadership. These basic steps that will propel you towards greater success and influence.

Drawing from my own experiences and working with other leaders for nearly 40 years, I will share seven crucial actions you can take right now. By embracing these practices, you will see noticeable improvement quickly.

1. Embrace Continuous Learning

To become a better leader, you must adopt a mindset of continuous learning. Commit to expanding your knowledge, staying updated on industry trends, and seeking out new perspectives. Read books, attend seminars, listen to podcasts, and engage in meaningful conversations with experts. The diversity of your input is key. Being an example of lifelong learning not only enriches your leadership skills but also inspires your team to pursue growth and development.

To do right now: Develop a learning agenda. Create it around these three questions: 1. What do you most need to learn? 2. What would you most like to learn? 3. What would you most like to be able to teach to your team?

2. Develop Authentic Relationships

Great leadership is built on real relationships. An authentic relationship is where you know the other person and they know you beyond the superficial. It is about knowing and being know. Learn and show genuine interest in their aspirations, challenges, and well-being. Cultivate an environment of trust, empathy, and open communication. When your team members feel valued and understood, they will be more motivated and engaged, leading to higher levels of productivity and collaboration. People who feel significant make significant contributions.

To do right now: Ask one of your team members what she or he would most like to achieve at your organization.

3. Lead by Example

As a leader, your actions speak louder than words. They will listen to what you say but watch what you do even more attentively. Be a role model for the behaviors and values you expect from your team. Make integrity, accountability, and professionalism a priority in all your interactions. By leading by example, you create a culture of excellence, where others are inspired to emulate your commitment and work ethic.

To do right now: Find a time when you actions fell short of your spoken intentions. Consider admitting your failure to those it affected and promise to be more congruent going forward.

4. Foster a Culture of Innovation.

Encourage a culture of innovation and creativity within your team. Embrace new ideas, promote a safe space for experimentation, and celebrate calculated risks. Encourage your team members to think outside the box and explore fresh approaches to problem-solving. By fostering a culture of innovation, you empower your team to unleash their full potential and drive transformative outcomes.

To do right now: Ask everyone on your team to submit one idea they have on how to improve or change what is being done to create better results. Small, yes, but a start. Get your team on the lookout…